let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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