peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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