I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
