I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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