well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
