ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
