Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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