tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
