I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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