Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
