break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
