woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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