matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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