Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
