You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Sext me about skeletons
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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