You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
