so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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