My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
