I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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