I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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