so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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