My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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