I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
