dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
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