my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Pooping to opera.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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