I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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