She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
