**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
