Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
