If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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