Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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