Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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