I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
