6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
