i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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