just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
not ubering you a puppy
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
