I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
