So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
