someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
