I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
