I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
