After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
