I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he thought i was a dude.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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