I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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