I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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