cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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