Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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