That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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