Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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