Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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