That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
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shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
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Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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