Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
