The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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