I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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